This is a wonderful take on Buffy -- you may not feel comfortable writing her but you've done a terrific job. She's got a very specific, sort of idiosyncratic voice, and I think you hit it perfectly, time and again. Illyria is great here, too, and I love the way that Dawn is the focus of it all. I'm now imagining how this might end up -- Illyria in Buffy's form, and Fred restored and taking care of Dawn?