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electricalgwenOk, can't believe I'm posting this, let alone wrote it, but what the hey. So, I was home sick, alternately napping and working my way through various people's archives, and I came across ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
reremouse's Donut Boy series. And I read the epilogue, in which Xander announces to Spike, "You're my cow."
And that came together in my head with Pratchett's most recent offering, and...well. The twisted result is the product of my sick mind. Rated PG-13.
Disclaimer: The original Where's My Cow? is copyright Terry Pratchett and I offer sincere apologies to Discworld fans everywhere.
Where's My Cow?
Xander twitched and turned over, in that hazy feverish dreamtime between sleep and waking. His throat hurt, his head ached, and he wanted to sink back into sleep and miss the rest of the being-sick.
Cool hands were stroking his forehead, pushing his sweat-dampened hair off his face. He sighed and snuggled back under the blanket, feeling cared-for like he hadn’t been in years. Years ago, before his mother had forgotten how to be a mother. When she would sit with her sick toddler and read him his favourite book, over and over. Because some things are important.
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, “Baa!”
It is a sheep!
That’s not my cow!
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, “I have a sacred duty to eat these donuts!”
It is Buffy!
That’s not my cow!
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, “Um…well…it was a very simple spell that I thought would make it easier for Buffy to track the bad guys, and I’m sure I got all the ingredients right but nothing in the book said anything about exploding, and…oh Buffy, I’m really sorry you’re a sausage dog and I’ll fix it as soon as I can!”
It is Willow!
That’s not my cow!
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, “Are you planning to supply me with orgasms now? Because if not, I really must finish organizing the money.”
It is Anya!
That’s not my cow!
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, “That’s ‘B’hrgh’rit’ demons, not ‘Bugger it’, Buffy. And Xander, how many times must I ask you to desist from calling me G-man?”
It is Giles!
That’s not my cow!
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, “How come I can’t go on patrol? Nobody ever tells me anything!”
It is Dawn!
That’s not my cow!
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, "Bloody hell! Who ate all the Weetabix?!”
That’s my cow!
“Cow,” yawned Xander, falling asleep.
“That’s my boy,” said Spike, as he tucked him in.
reremouse's Donut Boy series. And I read the epilogue, in which Xander announces to Spike, "You're my cow."And that came together in my head with Pratchett's most recent offering, and...well. The twisted result is the product of my sick mind. Rated PG-13.
Disclaimer: The original Where's My Cow? is copyright Terry Pratchett and I offer sincere apologies to Discworld fans everywhere.
Where's My Cow?
Xander twitched and turned over, in that hazy feverish dreamtime between sleep and waking. His throat hurt, his head ached, and he wanted to sink back into sleep and miss the rest of the being-sick.
Cool hands were stroking his forehead, pushing his sweat-dampened hair off his face. He sighed and snuggled back under the blanket, feeling cared-for like he hadn’t been in years. Years ago, before his mother had forgotten how to be a mother. When she would sit with her sick toddler and read him his favourite book, over and over. Because some things are important.
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, “Baa!”
It is a sheep!
That’s not my cow!
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, “I have a sacred duty to eat these donuts!”
It is Buffy!
That’s not my cow!
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, “Um…well…it was a very simple spell that I thought would make it easier for Buffy to track the bad guys, and I’m sure I got all the ingredients right but nothing in the book said anything about exploding, and…oh Buffy, I’m really sorry you’re a sausage dog and I’ll fix it as soon as I can!”
It is Willow!
That’s not my cow!
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, “Are you planning to supply me with orgasms now? Because if not, I really must finish organizing the money.”
It is Anya!
That’s not my cow!
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, “That’s ‘B’hrgh’rit’ demons, not ‘Bugger it’, Buffy. And Xander, how many times must I ask you to desist from calling me G-man?”
It is Giles!
That’s not my cow!
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, “How come I can’t go on patrol? Nobody ever tells me anything!”
It is Dawn!
That’s not my cow!
Where’s my cow?
Is that my cow?
It goes, "Bloody hell! Who ate all the Weetabix?!”
That’s my cow!
“Cow,” yawned Xander, falling asleep.
“That’s my boy,” said Spike, as he tucked him in.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-28 06:17 am (UTC)I adore this!
I love Terry Pratchett's Discworld series, my favourite character is Vimes, followed closely by Angua.
Have you heard the Audio Books? The reader does an amazing job bringing the books to life.
I loved all your stories, I've archived all the Spander ones I could find, if I missed any it's simply because I didn't see them, so send me the links please, and if you haven't yet joined my Nag the Authors for More Stories (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spanderfileslist/join) postlist, I hope you will.
I don't like to flood the update list with too many stories all from the same author on the same day, so some of your stories are on this weeks update list and the rest will be added next week.
If you want to be notified when Spander Files (http://www.spanderfiles.com/) is updated, you can join my update list (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spanderfilesupdates/join) as well
I hope to have new stories from you soon, you write really well and I enjoyed browsing through your journal.
*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-06-28 12:17 pm (UTC)I also love Vimes. And Esme Weatherwax. I haven't heard the Audio Books. I'm always slightly dubious about audio/visual renderings of things I'm already familiar with in print - I have my own images and voices in my head, and it can be jarring to have them altered. (That said, I like the rendition of Vetinari in the real Where's My Cow?, although it altered my own mental picture of him.) Given your recommendation, though, perhaps I should try them.
Thanks again for archiving! It's a proud moment. *beams*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-04 04:22 am (UTC)sausage dog? organizing the money? hee! i'm laughing as i try to type this... oh, ... lol
i think it's going to be a few days before this: "Is that my cow?
It goes, "Bloody hell! Who ate all the Weetabix?!”
That’s my cow!" stops repeating in my head.
so good. am adding to memories. hee!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-12-04 07:25 am (UTC)oh yes
:D
glad you enjoyed!
and now, when you eventually get to "Thud!", it will all make sense... *g*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-02-26 07:35 pm (UTC)I haven't read any of the referenced writings, but...but...
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
You nailed it!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-02-27 08:52 pm (UTC)I highly recommend both
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-28 09:26 am (UTC)Sarah R.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-29 09:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-28 10:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-29 09:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-12 08:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-13 04:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-14 03:38 am (UTC)It goes, "Bloody hell! Who ate all the Weetabix?!”
That’s my cow!
“Cow,” yawned Xander, falling asleep.
“That’s my boy,” said Spike, as he tucked him in.
This is going into my memories with Donut Boy.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-19 05:02 am (UTC)