six years later, here we are again

[electricalgwen]

I've had a few, fortunately relatively short, periods away from LJ in the past. They were all associated with restricted computer access - laptop died, moving/travelling/otherwise lacking Internet-I-could-come-here-with - and even though I missed LJ, there was always a brief but odd reluctance to come back. I knew I'd never catch up with things, whether fic or conversations or episode squee; it was easier to ignore it, for a little while longer. A day or two, at most, and then I'd accept that I was out of touch, check in with friends, read the latest, and move on.

This time, I dropped off the radar on July 25, and...just never came back.

I was tired. I was unhappy with my J2 big bang this year: I didn't have enough time or energy to devote to it, and I avoided it for too long after getting badly stuck, until I wrote probably half of it in a desperate last-minute struggle not to let my artist down, and it showed. To me, and to others, and I let a few negative comments get to me. I was struggling with other stuff I was supposed to write - still am /o\ - and there were some big things out in the real world I had to organize and deal with. LJ was mostly making me feel guilty, so I avoided it. As a result, the break caused by a brief internet-free vacation kept getting longer and longer, and it got harder and harder to come back.

A lot of the above is still true. I'm still struggling with writing, and with having time to write, and with reading anything at all. But I miss you guys. And today's my sixth anniversary on LJ, and the day I usually do an annual round-up, so here I am again. I hope can find a better balance in 2012.


What I Did Last Year, by Gwen

Supernatural

sink or swim - Sam/Dean, PG-13, ~3200 words. Written for apreludetoanend.

Involves a water elemental and angst. This took a long time to come together but I like the style of it: less dialogue, more description, and maybe darker/deeper than usual.


Dolor Ibi Est - Gen Sam & Dean, PG-13, ~8500 words. Written for de_nugis in the ohsam hurt/comfort challenge.

I had fun with this one, both the plot and Dean's wild stories.


put it in your pocket - Sam & Dean, PG, ~1000 words. Written for the prompt "better with you" at silverbullets.

Because there's never enough stargazing.


day springs eternal - Sam/Dean, R, 1376 words. Written for the prompt "hope springs eternal" at spnspringfling.

Mystery Spot twist. Angst, but with a touch of hope. Dean keeps dying, and Sam keeps doing something stupid. I imagine everyone has to write Mystery Spot fic eventually.


get outta the kitchen - Sam/Dean, R, 2650 words. Written for dancetomato. Sex pollen fic from Bobby's POV, with bonus!Castiel.

This is far and away the most popular thing I have ever written. I'm glad it made so many people laugh! A companion piece from Dean's POV has been in the works for far too long. *apologies to DT*


CW RPF

Give A Dog A Bone - J2 AU, PG-13, ~10K words. Written for j2_everafter, loosely inspired by the Black Cauldron.

Crack, mild schmoop, cliches, improbable science, Eilonwy!Jensen and Assistant Dogwalker Jared. Yeah.


Black Flag Over Texas - J2 AU, NC-17, ~32K words. Written for spn_j2_bigbang.

Prequel to last year's story Green Means Go. If you haven't read either and are considering them, I'd suggest starting with last year's. I think it's more enjoyable that way. Both involve suspense, hidden identities, dystopian politics and Jensen being awesome. Also explosions, if you like that sort of thing.


Other:

In Plain Sight - Spike/Xander, ~850 words. Written for eyezrthewindows.

I wrote this in a fit of last-minute inspiration. It was nice to revisit these guys for a little while.

And finally, a snippet of Angel/JDM, for laisserais.

I can't write either of these guys. Really. But somehow, they wanted to brood at talk to fuck each other.


It turns out I wrote about as much this past year as I did the year before - all in the first half of the year! No wonder I burned out, I guess.

Incidentally, I did a year-in-review round-up last year, which nobody commented on. This was only mildly surprising, and so it was not until some time later that I realized one contributing factor was that it was locked and misdated. *facepalm* Not that you don't already have a million things to read - I certainly do - but in case you're interested in what I wrote in 2010 and my thoughts on it, it's available.

See you around, I hope! ♥

Comments

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

HI.

&hearts

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Hello again! And thanks. <3

[de-nugis.livejournal.com]

I am so delighted to see you back! I'm sorry that there has been busyness and writing doldrums, but it's lovely to have you around. And happy LJ anniversary!

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I will endeavor to be more present. :)

[essene.livejournal.com]

* hugs you up*

Hi sweetheart!! It's so nice to see you again. Write or don't write. Do what makes YOU feel good. We'll still adore you.

*hands you a cuppa*

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I always tell others that I like having them around whether they're writing or not, but somehow I don't believe it about myself.

*hugs*

[bertee.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'd missed seeing you around! I hope everything's okay with you and that you find a balance that makes you happy this year. <333

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Everything's ok, in general, just really busy. It's always been hard to keep the balance, but last term things really tipped over. Hoping to find my way to a middle ground. :)

[deirdre-c.livejournal.com]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! *tackles*

I'VE MISSED YOU SFM!! I mean, yes, I have you elsewhere, but it's not the same as sharing time here on LJ, our little hidden clubhouse of silliness and porn.

Come back, come back. I will bake you all the cookies you can eat.

{{{{you}}}}

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

You have been the main thread that kept the connection, so thank you so much for that. <333

Also, if I do end up at Wincon, it will be entirely your doing. ;)

Cookies, you say? *noms*

[deirdre-c.livejournal.com]

I notice that your last report time on LJ was an Auspicious Date. So either I need to have birthdays more often to keep you coming around, or that was the last straw that drove you away. ;)


(Winconnnnnnnn. *lures*)

[tabaqui]

Hey, sorry you've been having a rough go - glad you're back, though. I hope lj can be a source of fun again, and not angst.
*hugs*

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I hope so too. I think I just needed a little distance. Glad to see people again though!

[firulina.livejournal.com]

Miss you! Miss your stuff :( Stay, please? :)

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Awww, thank you! I think I just needed a bit of space. I'll definitely stick around. :)

[norahy.livejournal.com]

What? You are unhappy with your bigbang this year? The plot is smart, like Holmes, the BBC show; the writing flows beautifully, and the characters, ALL of them, have their own inner logic and act on it. I cannot imagine how anyone can be unhappy about it.

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you so much! That is lovely to hear.

I think the main problem was that it was such a struggle. I could not resolve a major plot point and kept going over and over until it was this big mess in my head, and that frustration ended up being the main thing that came to mind when I thought of the story. I ended up writing nearly half of the final version the night before. I was really happy with lots of it, but there were bits that didn't live up to the (ill-defined) vision I'd had in my head, and of course I went and focused on the few negatives instead of the positive...

It also serves as a lesson not to visit the anonmeme (they weren't terribly mean about it, but substantially less positive than last year). Finally, I think most authors are somewhat insecure and judge a story at least in part by its reception. Black Flag got substantially fewer comments than Green Means Go and, in my neurotic state, I of course translated that into "people don't like it". I do think that the rise of PDF makes a difference, though, because it takes extra effort/clicks/remembering to come back and comment, and I did offer a PDF via AO3 this year.

So...ha, sorry, that was probably more than you wanted to know! but tl;dr: it was my own inner turmoil manifesting itself. :)

[norahy.livejournal.com]

yeah, I think I have downloaded it to my phone and read it there. If I did not leave a comment, that is pretty much it.

Honestly, I like this one better than Green Means Go. Green Means Go is a great chase-and-run action flick, I gotta say I had such reading high reading it. However, while it has its twists and turns, the story line is more or less straightforward. Black Flag is a lot more complex, and the thing that I like the most is that bad things happened not only because of a few bad guys, but collective actions of, pretty much everybody.

While I don't write, much, I'd say I'm not bad at plotting. So if you need a sounding board any time in the future, consider this an open invitation.

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the invitation! I do love plotting and world-building - I had an awesome time working out the timelines and motivations and who-worked-for-who in Green Means Go - but sometimes it really helps to have someone to bounce stuff off. When I was almost ready to throw in the whole mess, I was lucky enough to have laisserais on MSN to talk it out with, which got me going again.

And thanks for the comment - it makes me very happy to hear that the complexity worked for you. It was something I was striving for: that it wasn't as clear-cut good-guy bad-guy as the other story, but that even our heroes are human.

[norahy.livejournal.com]

:D
I subscribe to your journal with my google reader, quite a fan. Just so that you know.

[yourrighteye.livejournal.com]

I really hope this year will be better for you. For what it's worth, I'd like to say that I loved Green Means Go, and Black Flag over Texas was a welcome return to the origins of that 'verse.

I wish you the best of luck on this year's BB! (if you are signing up...which I really hope you are :) )

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! <3

I finally got a chance to listen to the podfic! It's...really weird to hear someone else reading words I wrote, lol! New experience for me. Thanks for doing a great job!

I will almost certainly sign up this year. Just mulling over ideas. :)

[yourrighteye.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

Good luck with BB, too. I'm frantically putting all my stuff together, even though, you know, we have time. But still. ;)

[iadorespike]

There you are! *clings* I missed this post because I was out of town, but now I'm trying to catch up. Oy. But, I was reading my DW this morning, and I saw that you'd been podficced (yay!!) and I thought - I need to go over to Gwen's. :D

I got your note. I keep thinking that I should have realized a lot sooner that you weren't around - sorry about that. But. I've been gone for spells before, so I know where you're coming from. *hugs* Anyway, I'm glad you're back! Also, Happy (Belated) LJversary!

*twirls you*

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Part of returning to LJ was accepting that I was NEVER going to catch up! So don't worry about missing posts, goodness. :)

Thanks for thinking of me. <3

[matchboximpala.livejournal.com]

It looks to me like you had a pretty productive year last year, despite taking a break. Anyway, RL always comes first. Take care of yourself.

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Thanks! RL definitely has to take precedence, but I'm glad to be back around here; it actually feels like a way of taking time for me, now.

Yes, I was surprised when I looked back and listed it all! I think maybe I burned myself out a little. But I've signed up for bigbang again, so hopefully slow and steady will get me there. :)

[laazikaat.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're back, it's hard when you feel yourself slipping behind, I know I never seem to catch up on my inbox of story notifications, and sometimes I post stories to SpanderFiles that I haven't had time to read, just skimmed over to get the gist so I can categorize them, so really understanding where you're coming from.

I noticed on your list a Spander that I might have overlooked? Not sure, will have to check. Very glad to have it, love your work as I hope you know ((((((((hugs))))))))

edited to add: Ah, yes, I do have it. Remember it now. I'm getting old and senile

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

I just have to accept that I will NEVER catch up, and it's all good. ;)

Actually, I may start downloading PDFs; one of the problems of saving stuff to ever increasing reading lists is that sometimes the links no longer work by the time I finally get around to the story (which, yes, cuts down the to-read list but wasn't really the point!) Then I can look on the bright side that I'll have stuff to read for years on end. *g*

[laisserais]

hi hi hi! I have pretty much moved permanently to DW, and only just noticed that this came up in my rss reader. Your LJ is one of the few I RSS, but I almost always forget to check this folder. *facepalm*

I am so glad to see a post from you, if only to know that you're still out there. I'd be sad if I lost you completely, even if you're not enjoying fandom anymore. Don't leave me, Gwen!

Honestly, I'd wondered why, as the days went by, you had disappeared. I'd hoped it was because RL was busy, but in a good way. A small part wondered and feared if it had to do with your big bang and its reception. I'm sorry, love. There's almost nothing that feels worse than seeing yourself critiqued by those with no fear of reprisal. It's rough. I feel like I let you down around bb. I should have pushed you harder or been more insistent as a beta. But I was afraid that I'd upset you. :( I'm sorry. If you, in the future, feel like you may need a beta again, I humbly offer my services, and a promise to be better.

I know what you mean about being burned out. I've had a similar experience. I just lost all perspective on fandom and its place in my life. I came to fear judgment from fellow fen, and let it cripple my ability to communicate. (I'm not saying this is your story, just that it happened to me.) After stepping away for a while, and allowing myself to follow my fannish fancies wherever they may lead, I feel little more refreshed now. I may even make a post! (watch out. ;))

I still love the Angel/JDM you wrote for me. And so many of your stories from last year. I can't believe it's been 6 years!