Well, this is new - poetry!

[electricalgwen]

Yet again, I produce something that isn't what I had in mind and isn't what I would go looking for to read. But it's my baby and I like it.

There are a couple of things about it that bug me, though, so if you wanna make helpful suggestions or concrit, either comments or email would be great.

Title: Immutable
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: S/X
Words: 197


Immutable

Books written through centuries of Watching say
we don’t forget.
Brains animated by magic,
cells that can’t decay, connections that can’t be broken;
memories frozen in amber,
unchanging from the hour of our death.
They say we can’t forget.

God knows I’ve tried.

Sense-memory is particularly strong.
Brilliant shades of blood –
Carmine, scarlet, vermillion, maroon, crimson.
(I once wrote an ode on the colours of blood. It was crap.)
Smells – fear, desire, hunger, birth and death.
Animal, vegetable. Elixir and poison.
And the screams.
I remember the screams.

If memory is fixed, immutable,
how do I learn?
Angelus’d give you an answer –
I don’t.
Never learned not to love stupidly, completely.
Never learned not to be too human.
Never learned to forget.

He’s wrong though.
I do change. Do learn,
with the heart, if not the brain.
Know his scent now, sunlight and new clean timber.
Can hear his heartbeat in a fairground crowd.

I’ve learned the shape of his skull under clutching fingers,
the way he closes his eyes when he leans in.
Tastes like nothing else in the world.

Don’t know how long he’ll stick around,
but these? Will be with me forever.

Comments

[piratepurple.livejournal.com]

Beautiful. Literally brought tears to my eyes.

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed it.

[kitty-poker1.livejournal.com]

I don't read poetry fic. Honest! But I did read this and it's very, very good. :)

What's bugging you? I might have changed 'particularly' to 'especially' for flow, but I can't see any problems. The word usage is very effective and precise and invokes just the right emotions. Very good.

[onlywayout27.livejournal.com]

I agree with the partiularly/especially flow issue, and possibly I would change elixir to ambrosia just to give the range of scents a wider base, but other than that it's a fabulous piece of poetry. I can almost see/hear Spike in this little collection of words and emotions, and that is amazing to me. I can't write decent non-angsty poetry to save my very life, so a applaude those who can. Thank you for sharing this.

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I'm glad I was able to evoke Spike for you. Whether poem or drabble, that's the challenge - making it real in few words. Thanks for your suggestions.

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't read it either! *g* I really don't. And I hadn't planned to write fandom poetry, though I have written other stuff. I was just messing around trying to get some ideas about memory down on paper, and it ended up coming out as a poem instead of a drabble/ficlet.

I can't quite say what bothers me, actually, which is why I finally just went ahead and posted it, after looking at it *again* and changing one or two words but not finding anything else specific. There seemed something awkward in the middle but...maybe not! I appreciate your suggestion. And your kind words. :)

Thanks for reading and commenting!

[okfrumpgirl.livejournal.com]

Excellent!!!

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

[savoytruffle.livejournal.com]

i'm not quite sure why i clicked on this because i'm not big on poetry, but i did actually enjoy it. nicely done.

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed it, especially knowing that it's not something you'd normally read.
I don't usually read poetry fic myself (though I do like poetry, in general), so I was rather doubtful whether anyone'd stop by this one. Thanks for commenting!

[cordelianne.livejournal.com]

This is very well done! The subject is interesting and you have a wonderful use of language!

I really enjoyed how you employed rhyming (eg. say and decay). The imagery is very evocative.

This line has a wonderful rhythm:
Animal, vegetable. Elixir and poison.

This is a beautiful description:
Know his scent now, sunlight and new clean timber.

Very enjoyable! :)

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Glad you liked.

Mmm, yum, detailed feedback! It's nice to know which lines worked for people. I spent some time mulling over what Xander smelled like. :)

I really enjoyed how you employed rhyming tickles me, because I didn't do it on purpose!